On the mysteries of friendship: My Brilliant Friend
After Elena Ferrante's 'My Brilliant Friend'.
I had avoided reading ‘My Brilliant Friend’ for some time. Books that are widely considered to be sensational can often be intimidating (to lazy readers such as myself) - that and I am too easily drawn in by the comfort of an Agatha Christie novel and the knowledge that I will never be let down by it. Of course, Elena Ferrante is an excellent writer and I finished ‘My Brilliant Friend’ in two sittings. I’m sure this will come as a surprise to no one.
Initial Thoughts
Our attention falls on the relationship between Elena and Lila as it waxes and wanes throughout their early youth to the end of adolescence. Many readers are struck by the honesty of the narrator, Elena, in voicing negative emotions towards her best friend; jealousy, bitterness and spite. Not feelings we equate to the ‘innocence and purity’ of female friendships, especially those of young children. I say ‘struck’ because Elena’s feelings must, in some way, mirror those that we have all experienced in relationships, both platonic and romantic. As good books often do, it holds up a mirror to the private sides of our selves.
I am adding to a long line of think pieces about this book and its portrayal of female friendship, a good indicator of the contentiousness of its subject material. I have linked some excellent articles here.
Jealousy
Perhaps the most shameful emotion to feel towards a friend; someone we love and admire. Although easily hidden, the green-eyed monster can often manifest in different ways and flick its tongue at opportune moments. Elena’s academic success is founded in the need to be better than or at least as good as Lila. Once Lila drops out of school Elena loses the fervour she once had in her studies, opting to goad her friend into vague intellectual sparring matches. Whilst juvenile and, to an adult eye, pathetic, Elena’s honest acknowledgement of her need to ‘one-up’ her friend is perhaps slightly unrealistic for such a young girl. I doubt many teenagers are aware of their desire to ‘out do’ others. I definitely wasn’t. Of course, jealousy comes from a feeling of inadequacy - we see what we want to be or have in others and we find it enraging. Young girls feel this so keenly because they are often shown, overtly or subliminally, how they should be. At school we may feel jealous that our peers are faster at running or better at spelling and as we get older this emotion becomes more complex as we notice our friends transform into beautiful young women and wonder why we can’t do the same. With time we learn to accept ourselves (hopefully), so the threat of jealousy damaging a friendship lessens - but it is always there.
I had a ‘brilliant friend’ at school, with Pre-Raphaelite hair and the future of a promising artist. Of course, of these attributes I felt jealous. Who wouldn’t? My hair was short and awkward and my paintings simply could not compare. These were undisputed facts that my 14-year old self had to accept. However, I would like to think this did not mar our friendship. I look back on our years spent in the art room or her bedroom with fondness. We were confidants and partners and I looked up to her more than I felt the jealous pangs of inadequacy. We faced the trials and tribulations of adolescence together and came out alive. Ferrante depicts the passions of teenage friendship very well in this respect.
Obsession/Possession?
Another aspect of Elena and Lila’s relationship Ferrante explores is that of obsession. Elena often expresses that she wants Lila all to herself and covets her attention. When the prospect of love and boyfriends enters the fray these emotions veer into the possessive. Again, unsightly feelings that we don’t like to associate with our friendships. I like that Ferrante depicts them as natural and is almost brusque in her depiction of these complexities. When we forge a friendship with someone and seek their company we can often forget that we must share them. I am using the royal ‘we’ in an effort to escape the implacable ‘I’. I am also using it because I know that these points are not new and we have all felt jealousy, bitterness and spite from time to time. Again, these emotions are more keenly felt in adolescence where our friends are extensions of our selves - in trying to carve out our identities many of us will have used our friends as markers. I am friends with so and so because we sat next to each other in Year 5. I am friends with whatsit because we both played netball etc. When our gingerbread friends started to branch out and make other connections we, naturally, would feel a sense of rejection. Wasn’t it difficult to be a teenager?
Whilst I am using anecdotes from my teenage self I would be remiss to not explore these through the lens of my adult relationships. Another ‘brilliant friend’ of mine moved to Canada. An exciting adventure that she couldn’t wait to share with me. I remember sitting on a bench overlooking a dingy park when she relayed the news. Amongst the initial shock and excitement I noted the tinge of disappointment that I hoped I didn’t convey in my tone - perhaps wishful thinking. What would I do without my brilliant friend? How could she leave? Would we stay friends? Of course, you and I both know that these were silly thoughts that left as soon as they had arrived. But they are reminders of that faint vein of possessiveness we sometimes feel towards those we love. ‘My’ friend - see? My brilliant friend is still very much my brilliant friend and I have visited her over in Vancouver to see the new life she has made over there - I left feeling very thankful I was a part of it.
Can't you be more positive?
Of course this has been more a meditation on my own experience of friendship rather than a clear and concise analysis of the book and the qualities of female friendship in the modern world. Was it ever going to be more than just that? What I appreciate about the book it is blunt and honest portrayals of the more grisly facets of friendship. Elena and Lila demonstrate the tacit understanding shared between good friends, an understanding we can all recognise but not verbalise with our own brilliant friends.
